Handling a Relationship Breakup
This article is courtesy of Christian Single.
Question: My boyfriend (who I thought I was going to marry) and I broke up a few months ago. Since then I’ve been overwhelmingly lonely and depressed. Nothing I do gets me out of this rut. I have a great group of friends, I love my job, and I have a great church. I feel like I’m being ridiculous since I have so much to be thankful for, but I still feel so empty. Do you think I need medication?
Answer: Whenever someone experiences a breakup, it is a significant, devastating loss. If you thought the two of you were going to marry, I’m assuming that you had a very deep connection. When we lose someone we have invested in emotionally, we go through the natural stages of grieving that loss. I would expect you to experience a deep sense of loneliness and emptiness as a part of that grief.
Even though the loss of your boyfriend is deeply felt, your pain should be related to the loss of him specifically – not your whole life. It may be too early in the process to tell the difference, but think about this as the time passes: If you experience hurt over the loss of him but are still able to connect with the rest of your life after a few months, that is pretty normal. Over time, the rest of your life should take up more and more space where that sadness resides. The pain will gradually subside as you reinvest in other things that matter to you.
Though it may take some time, you should eventually feel that life is able to provide you with good, satisfying things even though you miss him. However, if you seem to be sad about other parts of your life too, then this loss may have either triggered a depression or tapped into other feelings of loss that you had before this relationship.
If your feelings of emptiness or rejection have to do with things other than your ex, consider talking to a counselor about the way you’re feeling to find out what this means and where those feelings are coming from.
A few months is not a long time to hurt over a deep loss. That is pretty normal. But if your sadness continues and the other things and people you love are not able to help, that could be a sign that you need to figure out what else is going.
As far as medication is concerned, that is a diagnosis a psychiatrist or psychologist needs to make. It can be helpful if you are truly biologically depressed. If your sleep, mood, energy, concentration, weight, thinking, or ability to just feel good about life are affected that may be the case. Or you may just need some help in resolving other dynamics that this loss has brought to the surface.
Either way, if these feelings continue, get some help. Devastation for a while is normal; staying stuck in it is not.
Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist and the co-founder of Cloud-Townsend Communications in Southern California.